My Greatest Manifestation, and the Journey it took Me on...
One of the first, most fundamental lessons I share about manifesting is this: our spiritual practices allow us to receive divine guidance. These messages then lead to our earthly actions. Then, we welcome in a level of surrender. The universe has much, much more in store for us than we could ever plan for. It’s a delicate balance and such a relief that we don’t have to - in fact, cannot - micromanage the divine. When we trust that we’re being led, we create space for our unmet desires to become realized.
But what about the liminal space, the unexpected twists, the highs and lows that challenge us while we’re on our path? How do we continue when it feels like the universe is saying “no”? What does it feel like to take small, daily steps toward our desires only to then be disappointed? What possibilities arise when you get clear on your core desire and fully surrender to the entire process?
These questions are important because we’re always in process. There will always be something in front of us that we’re moving toward an unmet goal, a grander vision, a surprising new desire for ourselves. This edge is the sweet spot of life.
This story holds my own desire - to become a mother.
But it’s really about much, much more. It’s about anything you’re trying to bring into the world: a fulfilling partnership, a new career, or just more clarity on your next step. If any of that resonates, this story is for you.
And spoiler alert: as I write to you, my 4-month-old son Porter is sleeping in the next room.
***
Around the time I turned 44, it became clear to me that I wanted a baby. This came as a bit of a surprise - to me, my husband, and my friends. Both my husband and I were a definite no for children for the longest time, but then the visions started coming through during my daily meditation practice. As you know, I am deeply committed to my meditation practice, and the Kirtan Kriya meditation has been my every day go to to stay energetically and mentally clear.
After seeing and feeling it so much in meditation, the call of motherhood really came through after a weekend away at Kripalu with a few girlfriends. On the car ride back to the city, I told them what I’d been thinking. It was the first time I said it out loud. “How are you doing to tell Will?” they asked, delighted and a bit shocked. Everyone had always been asking for a baby potato, (my husband’s nickname is potato), but they were previously always met with, “absolutely not”…
I wasn’t sure how I would bring it up or when, but I trusted I would know when the time was right, I was in no rush even though I was about to turn 44. As the Universe would have it, the opportunity to share with my husband presented itself, casually and naturally that night! I came home from my retreat and we were relaxing at home, watching Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. In the episode, Jerry Seinfeld and his guest were saying that the best thing to be called is “Dad.” I turned to Will, and without thinking asked, “Do you want someone to call you Dad?” His response was simple and perfect: “Only if you want someone to call you Mom.” And from there our journey to parenthood began.
Will and I began trying to conceive. During that time, while practicing Kirtan Kriya, I would hear a soft, loving voice whisper “it will happen, just get help.” So we trusted that voice and began our experience with IVF.
Anyone will tell you how intense IVF can be - on your body, on your mind, and on your relationship. My husband and I made a ritual of it. Before every appointment, we’d have a coffee date. We played mantra while Will gave me daily shots. With intention, my husband and I turned what could have been a dreadful process into what was truly the most romantic part of our relationship. We relished these stolen moments that otherwise, we would never have had. There were exciting moments and heavy letdowns. But all throughout, we were falling deeper in love.
About a year into the process, we faced another turn. We had undergone many rounds of IVF and had many, many egg retrievals. Anyone familiar with the process will recognize that when you’re in it, there are so many steps that bring good news, good news, good news, and then...bad news.
How do you stay in belief when you keep getting excited and then let down? When it feels like your manifestation is just about to come through, but instead, comes the answer you were dreading?
I stayed committed to my daily spiritual practice, committed to faith, and devoted to my core desire. In my practice, I continued to remind myself to release attachment from the details and stay open to what the universe had in store for me. I reminded myself that I wouldn’t have this strong of a desire if it wasn’t possible.
Originally, I did not want to consider using a donor egg - we’d thought about it already - and ultimately decided against it. Our doctor at the time was “the best in the city,” but really… he wasn’t. He was the second doctor we worked with, and let’s just say I didn’t jive with him. I used to jokingly refer to him as “Devil Man,” after our appointments.
Safe to say he didn’t like me either, but he understood me. He knew that my core desire was to become a mother. So after multiple cycles that did not take, he looked at me and asked, “Do you want to carry on your DNA, or do you want to become a mom?” The shift was profound.
Devil Man was there for a reason. He’s the one who opened me up to reconsider how I felt about a donor. And it was my daily spiritual practice that enabled me to hear what he was saying.
At the same time, I knew he was not the doctor I wanted to continue my journey with. I was on a waiting list for another doctor, and when we finally met, he was the kindest, most supportive person I could have hoped for. As soon as I met him, a deep knowing emerged: this was the man who would help us bring my baby into the world. I could feel it. I looked him in the eyes and said, “I am not sure how but I KNOW you will be the one to tell me congratulations, you are pregnant.”
For those of you not familiar with IVF, this gets a little technical, so stay with me. On our decided last round we were so excited because of the large number of eggs that were growing, but when I woke up from the retrieval we learned there were only a few left, I ovulated before my eggs were retrieved, which basically means that we lost the cycle and all those eggs.
Instead of being enraged that I lost my last chance - mind you, I was on hormones - it didn’t shake me at all. I found myself in a state of total surrender. I thought, thank you - god, universe, source - for protecting me. There would have been a good egg in that round, but something would have gone wrong. I saw it as a miracle. It was a clear answer that the universe had something different, and better, in store for me.
Selecting our donor was the most beautiful process. Everything about her aligned, and we got pregnant right away. Then, while I was at acupuncture, six or seven weeks pregnant, I got a call from my doctor. Before I even answered, I knew we had lost the pregnancy. I cried, and I breathed. My acupuncturist recommended I undergo a host of tests before the next round.
When I later suggested them to my doctor, who was always up for my requests, his answer was a simple “no.” He said the reason it didn’t work is - “that wasn’t your baby. There’s nothing wrong with you.” I heard him, and he was right. I stayed in my faith. I knew.
On our next try, I got pregnant with Porter.
***
With manifestation, it’s important to accept that you can be crystal clear on the desire, while also trusting that it can look different than you expect it to. This is why my story is about more than fertility, pregnancy, motherhood - it’s about the necessity of both earthly actions and surrender to the divine.
If I had fixated on the fact that my pregnancy journey had to LOOK a certain way, I may not be a mother right now. Did I get on my meditation pillow and call in that I would carry another woman’s egg in my womb? No. Did I ask for three different IVF doctors? Or the multiple-month waiting list to see the one doctor who ultimately helped us? No. But I was calling in Porter, who is a beyond perfect, miraculous baby, and I don’t just say that because he’s mine. And his journey required all those other steps…
And all those trips, to all those doctors, were the most romantic time of our married life. I could not have predicted the way I would feel during our 7 a.m. coffee dates - like I was falling in love all over again - if I tried.
There were so many pieces that had to fall into place for Porter to exist. Having a baby is a complete and total miracle and a process that amplified all of my faith in the universe and the divine. It’s a reminder of what miracles we all are. And as miracles ourselves, we have the power to create whatever it is that we truly desire in life.
People will ask me if I wish I’d tried a donor egg sooner. My answer is no. I would never give back those coffee dates, that level of connection with my husband, the angels we encountered along the way (yes, even the Devil Man), the disappointments, and the heartbreaks that led to the reality that is my beautiful, smiling son.
And more than that, Porter wasn’t ready then. He was ready when his Dad was home to cook me every meal throughout my pregnancy. He was ready to grow in my belly throughout the lockdown when we bought all our food from the open-air farmers market. He was ready when we were in our house in Connecticut rather than our apartment in the city, with fresh air to breathe and wide-open space to welcome him into the world.
It is an honor to share my story with you - I hope it has been expansive and supportive - while you work on the exact miracle YOU are calling in. And I would like to offer you all the tools I used during this entire experience:
We all have dreams that are so big they are sometimes painful to dream.
And we have all experienced moments when there is no reason to believe those dreams will come true.
But that doesn’t mean we should stop dreaming them, or believing that we are deserving of living them out.
With manifestation, it’s important to accept that you can be crystal clear on the desire, while also trusting that the journey to get there can look and feel different than you expect it to.
This is why my story is about more than fertility, pregnancy, or motherhood - it’s about learning to make the journey towards our scariest, most tender desires feel good, even when the going gets tough.
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